You're ALL Doing it Wrong!

I always take a little umbrage with Christians who say other Christians are "taking things out of context" or "not interpreting the Bible" correctly, when confronted with evidence of misdeeds by other Christians or when discussing religious differences. Let's make this clear: ALL Christians take the Bible out of context! ALL Christians "misinterpret" the Bible, often deliberately, by calling certain passages "parable", "allegory", or "metaphor". They MUST do this, in order to call themselves Christians -- and not be thrown in jail for following their religious laws to the letter.

Actually, I take that back... there are Christians who take the Bible literally, and every moderate Christian I know understands that those people are nuts. The fact that "moderate Christians" even exist under such a label is proof of this. Can you BE "sort of" Christian? I would say no. You either are, or you aren't. Can you be a Christian and think the Bible is NOT the word of God? I would argue that you could, but not a single Christian I know has ever come out and just said as much. The Bible has so many contradictions and evil commands from God himself, that any intelligent person can easily see it wasn't meant to be taken literally. But that leaves an interesting conundrum: If we aren't supposed to take it literally, why bother with it at all? You don't need it in order to believe in Jesus, do you? No, not at all.

Take this passage, for example:

"If someone has a stubborn and rebellious son who does not obey his father and mother and will not listen to them when they discipline him, his father and mother shall take hold of him and bring him to the elders at the gate of his town. They shall say to the elders, “This son of ours is stubborn and rebellious. He will not obey us. He is a glutton and a drunkard.” Then all the men of his town are to stone him to death. You must purge the evil from among you." (Deuteronomy 21:18-21)

Some might argue that since most Christians today think it improper to stone their rebellious teenagers to death,this  means THEY are taking the Bible out of context. In this example, are they not "misinterpreting" the verse by labeling it "parable" and tossing it onto the "don't do this in real life" pile? Who gets to decide what is or isn't parable? Who gets to decide which parts to take literally, and which parts not? Is Fred Phelps"interpreting" the Bible correctly by taking it literally? Who gets to decide this? That other Christians recognize the insanity and utter cruelty of Mr. Phelps' beliefs should be a pretty clear sign that their holy book is wrong.


I dare say, if most Christians actually read "the good book", they would quickly see that it is most assuredly not the word of God. We can't call it the "Divinely Inspired Word of God" on one hand, and then dismiss the parts we don't like as "metaphor" or "no longer applicable" on the other. It either IS God's word (and all parts of it should be obeyed, including the evil ones, as Jesus himself commands), or it isn't, and it should be cast aside, never again to be used as a weapon against those with whom Christians disagree. I vote for this latter option. You want to believe in Jesus or Allah or Santa or Zues? Be my guest, but please leave the ramblings of centuries-old cavemen behind. Progress requires sacrifice, and I think ancient religious texts, too open for interpretation by radical fundamentalists of any stripe, would be a great starting point.

In summary: ALL Christians "misinterpret" the Bible, "pick and choose" which parts to believe, and "twist it around to suit their purposes"... AND THANK THE UNIVERSE FOR THAT!!! Otherwise, we nonbelievers might all be killed in the name of Christ!